put into focus

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence" - Ansel Adams

"If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera." - Lewis Hine 

I started a 365 project on my Flickr right after the new year. Simple explanation of a 365 is that a picture is taken a day. It can be any everyday object, people, anything... I picked self-portraits. I usually am dissatisfied with most pictures I take of myself because I feel they do not capture what I see in myself. But in starting this project, I have found that I have started to. I have been using it almost as a diary. I usually try to capture an aspect of what I am thinking, feeling, or doing that day. And I am starting to  find, that is does capture some aspect of me.

It's being a great project in keeping me creative... and sane. Today starts my 8th and last semester in graduate school! But with it comes great anxiety and stress. I have finally found an internship site (YAY!) that does take away some of my present stress, so my only source now is my upcoming exams in April that will determine whether or not I pass the program. So a few hours of everyday, I'm studying or reading, making notecards, or taking a practice test to help me prepare for this. It's hard to believe I've come this far sometimes.

I know I don't update as often, but I will try earnestly to at least keep the major news up to date on here.

you can check out my 365 project here :)

she's got a way...

"I'm 'a do things my way 
It's my way 
My way, or the highway..." - Limp Bizkit

I was listening to this song the other day, and it got me inspired for a blog post (especially inspired by some recent events).

It's not about being headstrong and not listening to others about how to do things, but on my life ethic as it kind of were. I am going to do my best not to compromise my values and what I stand for, so that others can simply get what they want out of me. I have certain standards I abide by in my relationships, and I would hope that they can be respected even if the other person doesn't agree with them. Also, if a no is given... listen to it! It's 99% likely that it is not going to change 5 seconds later.

Everybody has their own unique value systems, so yeah there are going to be differences among us. But if we cannot respect one another's beliefs, we are not respecting them. That is something that we have to do in counseling. Our leanings may not lean the same way as our clients, but we have to respect where they are.

I'm on my feet...

"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine." - Jimmy Eat World

Oh life...

Life is wonderful at the moment. I'm at the beginning of enjoying a 5 week break from school and internship. I feel like I deserve it a little after working all my other holiday breaks away.

My 7th graduate semester is over... WOOT! That leaves only 1 more to go. It's hard to believe I have come this far sometimes. It's kinda crazy sometimes...

My internship at St John officially came to an end on Friday. I was definitely sad to go and leave the kids I had been working with since August. But, I believe that somehow I taught them something positive in their life that wasn't there before... and that one day, they will use it to better their life. My semester there has definitely been a learning experience. There were of course positive and negative things, but I look at it this way... I have discovered even more about what I am capable of and what I still need to learn and practice. I'm super excited about going there tomorrow night to see the kids in their Christmas production :)

Running is going well. Almost complete with week 8, which involved a 28 minute run. I didn't go today. Probably because it was like monsoon wind (and probably partially recovery from last nights fun adventures lol). But, I will get back out there tomorrow. I haven't come this far to quit now.

So for this 5 weeks off, I plan on enjoying every single minute of it, and I have so far... bring it on!

a giving of thanks

"Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths.  At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings." - J. Robert Moskin

so Thanksgiving is about over... so what did I give thanks for this year:

1. God - I am of course thankful to him for giving me the other things in my life to be thankful for. I do not pray as I often as I feel I need to sometimes, but I still feel the blessings he gives me in my life. I have kind of slacked off on this since I stopped adoration. I really want to back in touch with the part of me that I found doing that.

2. my family - This year has been a crazy year for us. My bro-in-law got deployed. My dad is working on the other side of the world. My nephew turned 2. I reconnected with a part of my family. My cousin's accident that profoundly affects us all, even now. I love my family, the members who are there for me and still claim me as blood. It is holidays like this that make me really love being with and appreciating them.

3. my friends - These people are awesome. I do not nearly give them the credit they deserve sometimes. I pray to be a better friend to them. Life may have had some changes in store for me this year, but mostly good. It has brought even more great people into this fold. Yes, some may have fallen from here, but I try not to despair. I love the ones I still have.

4. helping others/counseling - I feel this is my calling in life... what God calls me to do with the gifts he gave me. With graduation looming closer, I feel so excited (and yes anxious, but that is in the minority of feelings) to actually get to go out into the world and make a difference for a living. This field holds such a dynamic role not only for me, but for the clients and populations counselors serve. Here we have a chance to help others, to inspire them to make positive changes in their life... to show them that they are capable and strong and worthwhile. I am truly excited to be joining this field of professionals.

5. school/classmates - I really do enjoy what I am learning about. I have great professors; I attend a great program; I am surrounded by great classmates, friends, and future colleagues. It is through our classmates and professors that we really start to feel our worth and see the great family we are part of.

6. internship - Ahh, the first step of the real world. It is here we really get to have that wonderful taste of what it means to be a counselor. It has a different feeling from practicum because it is. This is real life. When you get combined with a great site and supervisor, your learning possibilities are endless.

7. running - I am thankful to even have the ability to run. I used to hate exercising, to get all sweaty... But now, I love it. It is such a release to feel the breeze brush past you as you are puffing away. So nice to feel the nice endorphins that your body releases from the exertion of your activity... to know, that you are can do it and are completely capable of it. Yes, it is rough and hard some days. But, we would get nowhere in life if we do not push ourselves to and past our limit to discover our potential :)

life trip...

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." - Daniel L. Reardon

Life has definitely been a trip recently...

So, I am currently searching for a new internship for the spring. I have a few connections for possible sites I am working on, so I am waiting to see if they work out or not. I know it always does... I am just such a planner at heart though (call it a slight case of OCD lol).

But for my current internship site at the moment, we are staying pretty hopping. Our Rainbows group started this week, so I at least have a little something to do everyday... which I like (and I get to build up hours).

The school semester is finally winding down. I just finished my last assignment in my school counseling class, so the only thing I left to do is internship video #2 (which I am filming tomorrow). It feels nice to be wrapping it up. It cannot end fast enough...

Today I did my last academic advisement session... whoo hoo! I will be scheduling my last classes on Monday for my last semester :D I'm taking internship class and couples & martial counseling.

My Couch-to-5K running program is going well. I just started week 4... which has me running for 5 minutes on some parts. It was a little difficult, but I definitely felt proud of myself for actually getting through it and succeeding.

worry + work?

"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder

I guess the reason I picked this quote is that it seems highly applicable at this moment. You can't do the work you need to do and worry at the same time. You need to do one or the other...

I definitely got some worry on my mind. There is a possibility that I may not be at my current internship site next semester. I really like this site. I feel like I have just gotten my groove here and gotten to know everyone. But thinking I may have to do that all over again at another site (for my last graduate semester), fills me with some anxiety.

I know when God closes a door, he opens another. I'm not usually one to disagree with the big guy when it comes to life opportunities, but is it really time for this door to be shut? And if so, where will that next one open? Trying to keep up that faith that God will lead me where I'm meant to be...

I'm trying to keep my eyes on the right now... because including this week, I have 5 weeks left until the end of this semester. There is still plenty of time to make a difference, an impact on this school, and I can't do it effectively if I'm worrying. So, I need to put on my big girl panties and keep on truckin'... at least for now.




on the other hand:
My character guidance week with the eighth graders ended beautifully. They learned the differences between a job and career, different post-high school options, and how their interests could flow into a job. They also got to use different internet resources to research the different career choices they were interested in.

includes: contractor, pilot, nurses, veterinarians, investigators, chef, military, orthopedic surgeon, physical therapist, teacher, child psychologist, judge, dentist, surgeon, undercover cop, farmer

insomnia

"Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking." - Clifton Fadiman

I have been having trouble sleeping the past few nights. Perhaps I am thinking too much... too much about getting school work done, doing well at my internship site, my father and his job overseas, life after graduate school, finding love, not living life enough...

lots of chaos and humdrum there, what to do?

guess I need to figure that out because I really like my sleep

life update

"I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." - Edward Everett Hale

I realized I hadn't posted in a while, so I figured I'd come make a life update. Life consisting of family, friends, school, and internship... oh, my personal life too haha.

Family is good. Living at home has been a pretty positive experience so far. Really enjoy being around my family and having them there for moral support. My godson turned 2 last week :) He got to happily spend it with his Dad who was home for his Army R&R.

I haven't been spending as much time with friends as I find I usually do. I have been neglecting some friends, and have been trying to make it up since I have a bit more free time than I usually do. I have been sort of anti-social (or even slightly lazy) lately. I do really need to get out of the house more...

School is well... school. I am only taking one class with internship, so that is only 1 day of the week out of my life. I am really trying to motivate myself for this class, but I am finding a bit of difficulty in doing so at times. I'm claiming senioritis haha. But seriously, it is important class that I should be taking seriously.

I also am on my last week (of 6) of co-leading a group for the group processes class. It has been such a blessing and wonderful, enlightening experience leading some of my fellow classmates through this whole experience. I will be truly sad when we terminate this week because I believe we all (leaders and members) learned so much going through this.

I did get to go to the Louisiana Counseling Association (LCA) conference weekend before last. It was held in NOLA, and we did have quite a time. It was nice to connect on a deeper level with some of my classmates since sometimes we don't really get to since our school is such a commuter university. It was great to learn more about counseling topics, network with professionals (even got to meet the president of ACA!), and just generally have a great time with the people around me.

Internship is finally starting to pick up and get busy (which is a good thing). I like being busy when it comes to something I enjoy doing. I found out I love doing guidance lessons, especially with books. I am slowly working up the grades (did PreK and K so far), and it is definitely building my confidence as I go. Now to hopefully get our loss group started (and me trained for it so I can help) and build up a few individual students to start seeing. It was slow to start building up my hours, especially my direct ones which is far harder than indirect ones to get. I do have a small worry in the back of my head that I won't be able to get all my hours, but I am trying not to let my focus get to far ahead and have some faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to.
**FYI:
- Direct hours are face-to-face time doing individual or group counseling, guidance lessons, or consultations with faculty or parents. Indirect hours are when you do planning, get supervision (either in classroom or on-site), doing research, or professional development activities and the like.
- I am required by our accreditation body (CACREP) to get a total of 600 hours = 240 direct + 360 indirect over the course of 2 semesters (which comes out to about 120 direct/180 indirect a semester).

As far as my personal life, well this part should be relatively short lol. I'm just living life, albeit a little quietly. Just trying to get away from some of the hustle-and-bustle that can bring stress and drama into my life, I think. I am looking to start a running program, the Couch to 5-K program... not really to lose weight but to get more active and out of the house! I have much more free time since I'm not working at the office anymore, and I figure I should be doing something useful with it lol. Pray for motivation for me please!

that's about all for now, and I'll try to be more diligent about updating this :)

first step to a new journey

"The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes." - Benjamin Disraeli

Well, tomorrow is my first day of internship!! So full of nervous excitement about finally making it to this point. I am hoping I do well at my school placement. I really like the counselor I get to work with. She really enjoys working with the kids. I am not working anymore, so it's nice to be able to devote my full time and energy into making this a most fruitful learning experience.


I want to take this opportunity by the horns and ride it for what it is worth. I do not know what to expect, only that each bend in the journey will bring me closer to what I really want to do with my life :) I believe I was made to do this... that God gave me the gifts to help those (especially children) who need help in their life. This journey will be a roller-coaster for sure... but so is life.


I know I can do it!! Think good thoughts for me :)




PS - hopefully I may most more background fill stories from my long absence later this week

how much faith??

“He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.” - B.C. Forbes

I try hard to cling to this faith. Recent events had disturbed some of my inner faith holdings… one of my coworker’s grandsons was murdered by another child. You really sit and think about life and the world when you hear that an 8 year-old was killed by a 16 year-old. It shakes you to the core of your very being, and just makes your heart ache. How can a world be so cruel?

I was thinking yesterday about my decision to go into mental health counseling, especially my decision to work with other children. I questioned how much I really wanted to go into this field, and whether or not I could do it after hearing about this. After much and still continuous reflection, I had come to a decision regarding my future. I am going to keep the path I am on. I will have the training and chance to help others, and if I can even only help one person with their pain or suffering… it will be worth it. As a counselor, we have to work not to take our work home with us. We try our hardest to help our clients, but ultimately it is up to our clients to take that initiative to change… not us. Perhaps maybe the hardest thing to realize is that we cannot help everyone and not everyone wants our help. Ultimately, some things are beyond our control as counselors… and people. It’s one of the many ambiguities you have to face as a counselor.

I look back on the quote on the quote at the beginning of this entry, and I hope and pray I can remember it when the bad, ugly side of the world rears its head like this. I pray not only for the victim’s (my coworker’s)  family, but also for the suspect’s family as well. May they both take comfort in God’s love as they deal with their grief, loss, and pain. Two families are torn apart by this senseless tragedy. We will probably never understand the “what’s” and “why’s” of this situation… and perhaps, that is what hurts the most…

I just continue to pray for the soul of young boy and for those suffering with his sudden loss that they may eventually find peace.

moving on up

"The only thing that stays the same is everything changes..." - Tracey Lawrence (Time Marches On)

so yeah, there are changes coming...

I'm moving home in a little less than 3 weeks to go live with my parents. After living on my own for 4 years, I'm going back. Plus side, it'll save me about $600/month (which is about 1/2 my monthly bills) and hang out with the family more. Other side, adapting to being under my parents' roof again. It won't be horrible, but it will be a big change for me (and them). I am thankful that I am still able to go back home if I needed. This way I can save more money (and hopefully take less loans out) this way.

It will definitely be a challenge. But we are all adults, so hopefully it will a good, positive thing :)

Summer school started today. I think classes will be pretty good. I'm taking advanced counseling techniques and intro to play therapy. My advanced techniques class only has 5 people (!) in it. The professor teaching is taking a slight pay-cut by teaching an under-capacity class (God bless him!). But I'm thinking it will actually be pretty fun since he is totally into getting our input to make the class as fulfilling and knowledgeable as possible (plus that he is a great teacher). Pretty excited about play therapy too. I love the teacher and totally excited about the subject matter. So I think that my seventh, but third to last (!) semester will be pretty darn fun!

Downer note: still waiting to hear more on internship sites for the fall after the rift between the school internship program and our program... God will work it out though I believe, just gotta wait and see :)

worried worry

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere." - Glenn Turner

it is definitely giving me something to do right now... worrying about quite a few things right now

1.) getting my wisdom teeth out tomorrow
- not really too worried about the procedure, but of course since they are cutting my teeth out I'm not too thrilled about it.


2.) meeting tomorrow at school concerning the internship program I'm supposed to be doing in the fall
- I'm worried about this because a) I can't go because of my oral surgery tomorrow and b) concerns possible change of plans for the future. The meeting was announced yesterday and involves not just the newbies who are starting the program (like me) but also the ones who will doing it for the 2nd and final semester of internship. This worries me... a lot.  My main concern is that because of possible budget cuts that the internship will not be paid anymore (it is now @ $10/hr, not much but hey better than no pay at all). I can't really work with internship, so I would be living off loans alone if this is the case. I would really prefer it not come to that. So I have to wait to hear what news is to be said until one of my classmates calls me tomorrow after it...

a-yi-yi-yi

a smile and a laugh

"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." - Mother Teresa

So my cousin was moved from ICU to a long term care facility till he can hopefully get moved to the neuro-rehab facility. He makes so many little steps every day. He still has a long way to go, but I know God will lead him out of the hospital one day after his recovery journey is over. But the nice thing about this place is the more open visiting hours (instead of 30min every 4hrs).

I went to visit after work with him and the family. I was so lucky to see the most amazing act... BJ smiled and laughed as his girlfriend and niece tickled his hand. It was such a truly blessed sight. My heart was filled with so much love and happiness. God is truly doing his will with BJ's recovery. I have complete faith that BJ will get to walk out of the hospital one day. I know it will be a long, arduous journey, but what a better companion to have than God by your side?



on another happy note... I finished my last paper (piece of work) for the spring semester, and all I have left is to attend class tomorrow night to get my 200pts (counts as my final)... then I'm done! well for 3 weeks anyways lol

new beginnings

"With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was just thinking about this earlier today about something I had read while I was at adoration this past weekend.

Every day, every hour, every minute is the chance of a new start and beginning. God gives us the opportunity so many times in our life to try and try again. Most of us don't even think about this chance or don't even consider it thinking what we did was so bad or wrong. I believe God challenges us to take these moments and better ourselves from this previous one. It doesn't have to be anything major or mind-blowing, just little things. We can learn how to grow and be better people both inside ourselves and towards others.

It also ties into the thought of mindfulness, to live in the moment. We take every breath we are giving and just live it to the best of our ability. We do not live in the past, nor do we live in the future... we live in the now. If you focus on the past, you will be living your life in the past and forget to live in the present... same can be said about the future.

oh how I love a good quote

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."- Thornton Wilder

it took me a little while to figure out what I wanted to write about... then I was just think about how grateful I am for what I have in life... it's not much, but it's enough.

to name a few: God, my family (especially since some broken bonds are slowly being mended), my friends, a house to live in, food to eat, a decent paying job, earning a graduate degree (despite the accumulating debt), freedom from persecution, relatively good health, an open heart, and the chance to help others...

All to often we forget what we have and complain about what we don't have. It usually takes losing something good to realize the value of what we even lost. Life may be tough, but chances are if you are reading this, you and I do not know what tough is.

I'm trying to call myself out to service more... to serve good to others. I do not give as often as I could... my selfishness > my selflessness. I am going to start praying for the Lord's help to help me to even or change the direction of it. Please pray for me as well if you are reading this...

happy every day

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

I had this on my Facebook today... seemed to be quite popular...


It's sometimes a hard thing to remember that we have the power ever single God-given day to choose whether or not it will be happy. We tend to remember the dead yesterdays and dwell on their happenings too much, or focus too much on the tomorrows which have not even come to fruition. Remembering to live in the now, to be mindful of where our mind and feelings are, only then can we be really happy :)

when God opens a door...

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.  ~Paul Boese

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.  ~Harriet Nelson

today was such an eclectic day.

early morning was spent with friends, Pictionary, and taco dip...


After coming home from that fun night, I received an unexpected phone call from my cousin that I had not seen or really spoken to in almost 1 1/2 years... they gave me an visit invitation... and I took it. I didn't think twice about saying no to them... it just felt right. I felt that God opened a door... and I am not one to deny the chance to go through it. He will not let me go anywhere I cannot handle without him by my side. I did not go scared or angry... I went with the hope and longing to close a wound that had been open too long on my soul.



I have been praying on many things lately: school, family, my faith questions, and being a better person overall. Well forgiveness seems like it fall under both the better person overall and faith questions categories.


Forgiveness is a tricky creature. There is always the quote "forgive and forget." That's always easier said than done. While progressing through the counseling program, I try to deal with my own personal issues to better be able to deal with client's. I have family issues, primarily in my extended family. Those of you who know me, know this. There was a lot of negative emotions, miscommunication, and heartbreak in the air over much of this. I tried looking back on it with fresh eyes, trying to see what I hadn't seen before. I always wondered however, how I could forgive those that had caused me so much sorrow? I know God commands us to forgive, and I wanted to... but my heart and mind were at odds mostly on this contention. I am presently trying at this fact to forgive. I know I cannot change the past, and it really does no good to dwell on it (except really to see what you learned from it). In myself, I put forgiveness and love together; to forgive someone was to open myself back to love them again.  I am learning that I do not have to do that. I can forgive them, but I do not necessarily have to love them again. The person most I have been struggling most with this (an aunt) may be my blood, but I do not have to claim them as family. I just need to forgive her wrongs towards me, move on, and break the anchor of negative feelings that hold us together so I can move forward.

To me family is not blood, but a bond that cannot be explained. It is not a person, but a feeling of love and compassion toward the other. Family is not just connected by the blood cells running through our veins, but the feelings in our heart and soul. And I know I can't change the ways others feel about one another, but I know I can change my feelings within myself by my choice and choice alone.


less than an hour to adoration... I missed my date with God last week... We have so much to talk about, especially after today. I'm really excited to sit down and pray and reflect on what God opened up to me recently :)

looking slightly better

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

today turned out much better than I thought it would... and in pretty good mood despite other things...

made homemade pulled pork for dinner (yum!), gonna try and finish my AA paper, and then 'Criminal Minds' and 'In Plain Sight'...

then off to camp at my parents' house so my Dad can look at my car... my brakes decided to make fun grinding noises on the way home from work today while sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-12... guess I can't really complain though... it's the 1st time they have given me problems and she already has 100,000+ miles on her...

peace be with you...

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." - John 14:27 NIV

I certainly pray for peace of mind this morning...