a giving of thanks

"Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths.  At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings." - J. Robert Moskin

so Thanksgiving is about over... so what did I give thanks for this year:

1. God - I am of course thankful to him for giving me the other things in my life to be thankful for. I do not pray as I often as I feel I need to sometimes, but I still feel the blessings he gives me in my life. I have kind of slacked off on this since I stopped adoration. I really want to back in touch with the part of me that I found doing that.

2. my family - This year has been a crazy year for us. My bro-in-law got deployed. My dad is working on the other side of the world. My nephew turned 2. I reconnected with a part of my family. My cousin's accident that profoundly affects us all, even now. I love my family, the members who are there for me and still claim me as blood. It is holidays like this that make me really love being with and appreciating them.

3. my friends - These people are awesome. I do not nearly give them the credit they deserve sometimes. I pray to be a better friend to them. Life may have had some changes in store for me this year, but mostly good. It has brought even more great people into this fold. Yes, some may have fallen from here, but I try not to despair. I love the ones I still have.

4. helping others/counseling - I feel this is my calling in life... what God calls me to do with the gifts he gave me. With graduation looming closer, I feel so excited (and yes anxious, but that is in the minority of feelings) to actually get to go out into the world and make a difference for a living. This field holds such a dynamic role not only for me, but for the clients and populations counselors serve. Here we have a chance to help others, to inspire them to make positive changes in their life... to show them that they are capable and strong and worthwhile. I am truly excited to be joining this field of professionals.

5. school/classmates - I really do enjoy what I am learning about. I have great professors; I attend a great program; I am surrounded by great classmates, friends, and future colleagues. It is through our classmates and professors that we really start to feel our worth and see the great family we are part of.

6. internship - Ahh, the first step of the real world. It is here we really get to have that wonderful taste of what it means to be a counselor. It has a different feeling from practicum because it is. This is real life. When you get combined with a great site and supervisor, your learning possibilities are endless.

7. running - I am thankful to even have the ability to run. I used to hate exercising, to get all sweaty... But now, I love it. It is such a release to feel the breeze brush past you as you are puffing away. So nice to feel the nice endorphins that your body releases from the exertion of your activity... to know, that you are can do it and are completely capable of it. Yes, it is rough and hard some days. But, we would get nowhere in life if we do not push ourselves to and past our limit to discover our potential :)

insomnia

"Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking." - Clifton Fadiman

I have been having trouble sleeping the past few nights. Perhaps I am thinking too much... too much about getting school work done, doing well at my internship site, my father and his job overseas, life after graduate school, finding love, not living life enough...

lots of chaos and humdrum there, what to do?

guess I need to figure that out because I really like my sleep

life update

"I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." - Edward Everett Hale

I realized I hadn't posted in a while, so I figured I'd come make a life update. Life consisting of family, friends, school, and internship... oh, my personal life too haha.

Family is good. Living at home has been a pretty positive experience so far. Really enjoy being around my family and having them there for moral support. My godson turned 2 last week :) He got to happily spend it with his Dad who was home for his Army R&R.

I haven't been spending as much time with friends as I find I usually do. I have been neglecting some friends, and have been trying to make it up since I have a bit more free time than I usually do. I have been sort of anti-social (or even slightly lazy) lately. I do really need to get out of the house more...

School is well... school. I am only taking one class with internship, so that is only 1 day of the week out of my life. I am really trying to motivate myself for this class, but I am finding a bit of difficulty in doing so at times. I'm claiming senioritis haha. But seriously, it is important class that I should be taking seriously.

I also am on my last week (of 6) of co-leading a group for the group processes class. It has been such a blessing and wonderful, enlightening experience leading some of my fellow classmates through this whole experience. I will be truly sad when we terminate this week because I believe we all (leaders and members) learned so much going through this.

I did get to go to the Louisiana Counseling Association (LCA) conference weekend before last. It was held in NOLA, and we did have quite a time. It was nice to connect on a deeper level with some of my classmates since sometimes we don't really get to since our school is such a commuter university. It was great to learn more about counseling topics, network with professionals (even got to meet the president of ACA!), and just generally have a great time with the people around me.

Internship is finally starting to pick up and get busy (which is a good thing). I like being busy when it comes to something I enjoy doing. I found out I love doing guidance lessons, especially with books. I am slowly working up the grades (did PreK and K so far), and it is definitely building my confidence as I go. Now to hopefully get our loss group started (and me trained for it so I can help) and build up a few individual students to start seeing. It was slow to start building up my hours, especially my direct ones which is far harder than indirect ones to get. I do have a small worry in the back of my head that I won't be able to get all my hours, but I am trying not to let my focus get to far ahead and have some faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to.
**FYI:
- Direct hours are face-to-face time doing individual or group counseling, guidance lessons, or consultations with faculty or parents. Indirect hours are when you do planning, get supervision (either in classroom or on-site), doing research, or professional development activities and the like.
- I am required by our accreditation body (CACREP) to get a total of 600 hours = 240 direct + 360 indirect over the course of 2 semesters (which comes out to about 120 direct/180 indirect a semester).

As far as my personal life, well this part should be relatively short lol. I'm just living life, albeit a little quietly. Just trying to get away from some of the hustle-and-bustle that can bring stress and drama into my life, I think. I am looking to start a running program, the Couch to 5-K program... not really to lose weight but to get more active and out of the house! I have much more free time since I'm not working at the office anymore, and I figure I should be doing something useful with it lol. Pray for motivation for me please!

that's about all for now, and I'll try to be more diligent about updating this :)

gotta keep moving

well I'm all moved in at the parentals!

I do have to say that me and the parents do make a hardcore moving team lol... and so far, so good!

Just been really busy (and tired) with school. Getting kind of burnt out. I love my classes, but I'm ready to be DONE!! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to be there already...

I MAY have an internship school site ::does happy dance:: and at the school I was kind of eyeing. Just need to take care of a few things before I know for sure. So right now, I'm just hoping and praying for the best :)


Really excited for this weekend, cuz I'm going to Kentucky to visit my 2 favorite peoples :D


On a more negative note, work politics are starting to get to me and want to get the hell out of dodge. If SELU offers me enough loan money for the fall, I'm quitting my job. On the plus side of that, I'll have more time to devote to my internship. On the downer side, I'll have to watch my $$ (not that I haven't lived tight before :p).


guess time will tell

just a life update...

wow, it's been almost 2 weeks since my last update...

Life is still going strong, even when I do not think I have the strength to do it sometimes...

Summer school is back in full swing and thankfully only taking 2 classes (instead of 3 like last summer!). I am taking advanced techniques and intro to play therapy. Both are interesting classes, but got to keep on work for both or it is easy to fall behind. Ready for them to be over... and it'll be soon enough. Next week will be my halfway point! AHHHH

Still looking for a school to do an internship at, but decided to take fate in my hands a bit. A classmate gave me a great suggestion: to email local counselors myself. So I did... I emailed 11 local counselors! I have heard from 3 so far (2 are at the same school). I'm crossing my fingers on one of them, I really want it :)


I'm moving home this weekend. I'm actually pretty excited about it. Hope my parents feel the same way...

I went to the shooting range with my Daddy last week. I thoroughly enjoyed it, both the experience and spending time with him. I got to shoot a .25 Titan pistol and .22 Ruger target pistol... and I did pretty well considering this the first time I had shot a gun... ever (and plus my Dad was an awesome teacher). I can't wait to go back.







first target with the .22 Ruger @ 10ft







Super excited about my 4th of July trip up to Kentucky to see my sister and nephew... I so cannot wait! I get to go on a mini-vacay and even better is getting to spend time with them. Can't wait for next Thursday to get here :D

moving on up

"The only thing that stays the same is everything changes..." - Tracey Lawrence (Time Marches On)

so yeah, there are changes coming...

I'm moving home in a little less than 3 weeks to go live with my parents. After living on my own for 4 years, I'm going back. Plus side, it'll save me about $600/month (which is about 1/2 my monthly bills) and hang out with the family more. Other side, adapting to being under my parents' roof again. It won't be horrible, but it will be a big change for me (and them). I am thankful that I am still able to go back home if I needed. This way I can save more money (and hopefully take less loans out) this way.

It will definitely be a challenge. But we are all adults, so hopefully it will a good, positive thing :)

Summer school started today. I think classes will be pretty good. I'm taking advanced counseling techniques and intro to play therapy. My advanced techniques class only has 5 people (!) in it. The professor teaching is taking a slight pay-cut by teaching an under-capacity class (God bless him!). But I'm thinking it will actually be pretty fun since he is totally into getting our input to make the class as fulfilling and knowledgeable as possible (plus that he is a great teacher). Pretty excited about play therapy too. I love the teacher and totally excited about the subject matter. So I think that my seventh, but third to last (!) semester will be pretty darn fun!

Downer note: still waiting to hear more on internship sites for the fall after the rift between the school internship program and our program... God will work it out though I believe, just gotta wait and see :)

we are family...

sooooo.... good news! My cousin was accepted to the neuro-rehab and should be admitted tomorrow :) I am so happy for that news because I have heard nothing but great stories about this place. I'm so glad God's will is for him to go there for his rehabilitation :)

Well I went to go see him one last time while he was still in town since I knew it would be a while before I can head down to rehab place he will be moved to. But I towards the end of my visit, my aunt (the one who has disowned us) showed up with her husband, kids, and my grandfather (her dad). She saw me and turned around talking about how she'll "be right back". It makes me sad that she is not prepared to act like an adult in this situation. But, I cannot control her actions or her feelings toward my family... I can only control my actions and my feelings. I know all the aspects of the situation are God's will, so I will never really understand the bigger picture here. But I do know that those I share that 'family' feel with, I am blessed to have in my life. The family that I do still talk to, I would do anything for (and I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual).

The whole situation sucks (in my opinion), but it's not under my control. We've all done what we have done, and that is that. I have pretty much made my peace with what she has done (for the most part), and she can face what she has done when it comes her time with God (as we all got to).

Monday, Monday

today started off kind of blah, but it definitely ended on a good note :)

Went into work later than usual since my neck was bothering me, and the day was kind of slow. But I was able to finalize an overnight trip to Texas to see some family I hadn't seen in a while :) I also got to hang out with my bff who I had not seen in a while. Also, I am working on finishing up a care package to send to my deployed bro-in-law later this week :)

My cousin BJ was evaluated for the neuro-rehab center again, but this time his responses were much better. We should know tomorrow on whether or not he was accepted or not (but supposedly his chances looked good).

Busy week ahead:
tomorrow (Tuesday): pick some blackberries after work at a co-workers (yum!)
Wednesday: Dr. Reid/Criminal Minds season finale night @ Emma's
Thursday: hang out with Nik/Superior (?)
Friday: SatC 2 with some of my favorite ladies!
Saturday & Sunday: trip to TX :)
Monday: no work (declared a holiday for state employees)!

light and dark, life and death... both sides of prayer

While talking to a friend today, she had told me some sad news... a friend of her's who was sick in ICU had died. It made me sad for her and for the girl's family because I had just said a prayer for her the night before.

It made me think about prayers. We like to think that God answers our prayers by doing what we ask. When in actuality, we pray that the prayers we ask of him are his will, because that's what God does... his will. Sometimes his will are the same as our prayers, sometimes they are not.  When that happens, we tend to be sad and not understand why our prayers were not answered. We are not seeing God's bigger picture or his plan. I have faith everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out how it is supposed to. I do not try to understand God's will because I am not meant to.

Of course I am happy that God's will and my prayers for my cousin are generally the same. He is doing so wonderful. He is so awake and alert and moving around. Hopefully he will be talking and walking soon. And of course I am sad that God's will and my prayers for the girl who died were not the same. But I am trying to think of the fact that God took at her at that moment for a greater, yet unknown reason. I know I still struggle with my grief and confusion from losing several of my close family members because I still struggle to understand what I am not supposed to understand.

Even though his will and my prayers do not always mesh, it does not make me pray any less. In fact it makes me pray more. Prayer is like my own personal conversation with God, and it is never one-sided :)

12.0/3.0 =

well, it equals 4.0 which is my GPA for the semester :) yep got A's in all 3 of my classes. I am proud to say that I definitely worked hard to earn those 3 little letters. So that means 6 semesters down, only 3 semesters (that's only 6 classes) to go!!! guess I should order my reward soon (see previous post)...


I went to work today and survived working a full day (8.3 hours to be exact). My pain medicine makes me a little sleepy, so it was a little hard to stay awake, but I did it. It was weird to not really talk all day (guess this means I talk too much!), but I survived.

I am feeling much better than I have been. I think this will be my last night at the parent's house sadly, but I am ready to get back to my own bed :)

well bout to get ready for bed since another full day tomorrow!

love and prayers to all :)

pain = no fun

so (knock on wood), I think I'm feeling more on the upside of my teeth surgery... I may actually go back to work tomorrow.

Last night was horrible. Migraine + post surgery pain and swelling = bad. I'm really thankful that my parents are taking such good care of me.

so now hopefully I can enjoy the following 3 weeks off of school till summer semester starts...

still waiting for all my final grades to be posted, and if they are what I think they are, I am totally treating myself to a new swimsuit!

totally can't wait to order it from ModCloth :)

finally got rid of them

so this morning I got my 4 impacted wisdom teeth out... this is the first time I have lost an original body part lol

Surgery went really well I am happy to report. This afternoon was when I was in the most pain, but I am really really good now. Mouth is still sore (duh!) and can't open very wide. My Dad brought me to my appointment and took such great care of me afterwards... he made me some homemade chicken noodle soup and some chocolate pudding and just checked on me regularly to make sure if I needed anything at all. I have been blessed with such an amazing Dad (thanks God!). When my Mom got home from work, she was great too (thanks for her too God!) making sure I was comfortable and everything. I definitely can't wait to figure what to get my Dad for Father's day now next month to give him an amazing day like we did Mom.

* post-surgery pic... my sister dubbed me Mummy-Tut lol













on a great positive note, I am officially done with my spring semester... 6 semesters down!! only 3 more to go!

I will be reporting more on that school meeting I was worried about so much yesterday after I talk with my professor hopefully soon.

a smile and a laugh

"Everytime you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." - Mother Teresa

So my cousin was moved from ICU to a long term care facility till he can hopefully get moved to the neuro-rehab facility. He makes so many little steps every day. He still has a long way to go, but I know God will lead him out of the hospital one day after his recovery journey is over. But the nice thing about this place is the more open visiting hours (instead of 30min every 4hrs).

I went to visit after work with him and the family. I was so lucky to see the most amazing act... BJ smiled and laughed as his girlfriend and niece tickled his hand. It was such a truly blessed sight. My heart was filled with so much love and happiness. God is truly doing his will with BJ's recovery. I have complete faith that BJ will get to walk out of the hospital one day. I know it will be a long, arduous journey, but what a better companion to have than God by your side?



on another happy note... I finished my last paper (piece of work) for the spring semester, and all I have left is to attend class tomorrow night to get my 200pts (counts as my final)... then I'm done! well for 3 weeks anyways lol

so close

such a double-edged title...

This semester of school is so close to end, I can taste the sweetness on my tongue. Only 1 more paper to write up and an open-notes finals... officially done next Wednesday evening (since I have attend 1 last substance abuse class which counts as my 200pt final... no go = no 200 points :p). Which also happens to be the night before I get my wisdom teeth out... oh joy lol.


This also refers to my cousin, he is making slow baby steps in recovery. God is answering our prayers one at a time. He is brain is in such a deep fog... I pray to God several times a day for him to help my cousin to find his way through the fog. I know he can do it. Our family is praying that he gets accepted to a nice neuro-rehab center soon where he can better recover. If you read this, please pray for him.


much love and off to bed!

blessings

"I have seen, 

The healing hand of God, 

Reaching out and mending broken hearts.

Taste and see the fullness of His peace, 

And hold on to what's being held out.

The healing hand of God..." - Jeremy Camp: Healing Hand of God

God has been laying his healing hand on my cousin and answering our prayers for him in our family. He answers one little prayer at a time. First, he answered when he let him pull through and not die. Then, he answered by showing us that my cousin did not have as much brain damage as we thought. And now, he answers by letting him improve and recover a little bit each day. It makes me so happy and thankful to hear all these updates on him :)

I truly think that every thing happens for a reason and is all part of God's plan. He brought me back in touch with that part of my family (reference back to my post on forgiveness a few weeks ago). And I was able to help my other family members reconnect with them also. I was able to be there when my new cousin was born, and be there when this accident happened. Just make me go wow...


School is finally winding down! Only 2 papers, 1 project, and maybe 1 final left (should find out tomorrow in class)... woot!!!!

broken heart

my heart hurts :(

no details, but please just keep my cousin and family in your prayers

oh how I love a good quote

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."- Thornton Wilder

it took me a little while to figure out what I wanted to write about... then I was just think about how grateful I am for what I have in life... it's not much, but it's enough.

to name a few: God, my family (especially since some broken bonds are slowly being mended), my friends, a house to live in, food to eat, a decent paying job, earning a graduate degree (despite the accumulating debt), freedom from persecution, relatively good health, an open heart, and the chance to help others...

All to often we forget what we have and complain about what we don't have. It usually takes losing something good to realize the value of what we even lost. Life may be tough, but chances are if you are reading this, you and I do not know what tough is.

I'm trying to call myself out to service more... to serve good to others. I do not give as often as I could... my selfishness > my selflessness. I am going to start praying for the Lord's help to help me to even or change the direction of it. Please pray for me as well if you are reading this...

when God opens a door...

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.  ~Paul Boese

Forgive all who have offended you, not for them, but for yourself.  ~Harriet Nelson

today was such an eclectic day.

early morning was spent with friends, Pictionary, and taco dip...


After coming home from that fun night, I received an unexpected phone call from my cousin that I had not seen or really spoken to in almost 1 1/2 years... they gave me an visit invitation... and I took it. I didn't think twice about saying no to them... it just felt right. I felt that God opened a door... and I am not one to deny the chance to go through it. He will not let me go anywhere I cannot handle without him by my side. I did not go scared or angry... I went with the hope and longing to close a wound that had been open too long on my soul.



I have been praying on many things lately: school, family, my faith questions, and being a better person overall. Well forgiveness seems like it fall under both the better person overall and faith questions categories.


Forgiveness is a tricky creature. There is always the quote "forgive and forget." That's always easier said than done. While progressing through the counseling program, I try to deal with my own personal issues to better be able to deal with client's. I have family issues, primarily in my extended family. Those of you who know me, know this. There was a lot of negative emotions, miscommunication, and heartbreak in the air over much of this. I tried looking back on it with fresh eyes, trying to see what I hadn't seen before. I always wondered however, how I could forgive those that had caused me so much sorrow? I know God commands us to forgive, and I wanted to... but my heart and mind were at odds mostly on this contention. I am presently trying at this fact to forgive. I know I cannot change the past, and it really does no good to dwell on it (except really to see what you learned from it). In myself, I put forgiveness and love together; to forgive someone was to open myself back to love them again.  I am learning that I do not have to do that. I can forgive them, but I do not necessarily have to love them again. The person most I have been struggling most with this (an aunt) may be my blood, but I do not have to claim them as family. I just need to forgive her wrongs towards me, move on, and break the anchor of negative feelings that hold us together so I can move forward.

To me family is not blood, but a bond that cannot be explained. It is not a person, but a feeling of love and compassion toward the other. Family is not just connected by the blood cells running through our veins, but the feelings in our heart and soul. And I know I can't change the ways others feel about one another, but I know I can change my feelings within myself by my choice and choice alone.


less than an hour to adoration... I missed my date with God last week... We have so much to talk about, especially after today. I'm really excited to sit down and pray and reflect on what God opened up to me recently :)

no making excuses now lol

well I guess I have no more excuses for not working on my papers more now lol... my Mac used to previously reside on the beanbag chair that I used to have in this spot in my room... now the Mac thinks it special or something because it gets to sit on a desk.

my Dad made this desk especially for me :) out of cypress (and love)!



the Charged Particle (aka my car, a Saturn Ion) now has new brakes and fresh oil (also thanks to my Dad)! glad she is all better. I'm very thankful that my car is working so well after all I put her through in the first few years I had her (we're going on year 6 now). she may not be the fanciest car on the block, but I sure hope she lasts me a good long while :)



well lemme work on my movie review paper for substance abuse a bit before bed... making progress one paper at a time... trying to keep my focus on this instead of some of the other things I have weighing on my mind. I really can't wait till adoration on Sat night/Sun morning to help me clear my head. I always find that having that one-on-one time with God to be one of the highlights of my week.  I always feel more clear-headed and less stressed afterwards... I really need that right now...

"There is a way, there is a spark,
there is a hope that you can hold on to.
There is a lifeline come to the rescue,
just like a hand that's waiting for you.
And if you believe in this I promise that you won't be alone."
There is a way, the truth and the life, and the way..." - Newworldson