she's got a way...

"I'm 'a do things my way 
It's my way 
My way, or the highway..." - Limp Bizkit

I was listening to this song the other day, and it got me inspired for a blog post (especially inspired by some recent events).

It's not about being headstrong and not listening to others about how to do things, but on my life ethic as it kind of were. I am going to do my best not to compromise my values and what I stand for, so that others can simply get what they want out of me. I have certain standards I abide by in my relationships, and I would hope that they can be respected even if the other person doesn't agree with them. Also, if a no is given... listen to it! It's 99% likely that it is not going to change 5 seconds later.

Everybody has their own unique value systems, so yeah there are going to be differences among us. But if we cannot respect one another's beliefs, we are not respecting them. That is something that we have to do in counseling. Our leanings may not lean the same way as our clients, but we have to respect where they are.

a giving of thanks

"Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths.  At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings." - J. Robert Moskin

so Thanksgiving is about over... so what did I give thanks for this year:

1. God - I am of course thankful to him for giving me the other things in my life to be thankful for. I do not pray as I often as I feel I need to sometimes, but I still feel the blessings he gives me in my life. I have kind of slacked off on this since I stopped adoration. I really want to back in touch with the part of me that I found doing that.

2. my family - This year has been a crazy year for us. My bro-in-law got deployed. My dad is working on the other side of the world. My nephew turned 2. I reconnected with a part of my family. My cousin's accident that profoundly affects us all, even now. I love my family, the members who are there for me and still claim me as blood. It is holidays like this that make me really love being with and appreciating them.

3. my friends - These people are awesome. I do not nearly give them the credit they deserve sometimes. I pray to be a better friend to them. Life may have had some changes in store for me this year, but mostly good. It has brought even more great people into this fold. Yes, some may have fallen from here, but I try not to despair. I love the ones I still have.

4. helping others/counseling - I feel this is my calling in life... what God calls me to do with the gifts he gave me. With graduation looming closer, I feel so excited (and yes anxious, but that is in the minority of feelings) to actually get to go out into the world and make a difference for a living. This field holds such a dynamic role not only for me, but for the clients and populations counselors serve. Here we have a chance to help others, to inspire them to make positive changes in their life... to show them that they are capable and strong and worthwhile. I am truly excited to be joining this field of professionals.

5. school/classmates - I really do enjoy what I am learning about. I have great professors; I attend a great program; I am surrounded by great classmates, friends, and future colleagues. It is through our classmates and professors that we really start to feel our worth and see the great family we are part of.

6. internship - Ahh, the first step of the real world. It is here we really get to have that wonderful taste of what it means to be a counselor. It has a different feeling from practicum because it is. This is real life. When you get combined with a great site and supervisor, your learning possibilities are endless.

7. running - I am thankful to even have the ability to run. I used to hate exercising, to get all sweaty... But now, I love it. It is such a release to feel the breeze brush past you as you are puffing away. So nice to feel the nice endorphins that your body releases from the exertion of your activity... to know, that you are can do it and are completely capable of it. Yes, it is rough and hard some days. But, we would get nowhere in life if we do not push ourselves to and past our limit to discover our potential :)

self-doubt and termination

So today, I had to prepare for termination with one of my regular kids, a 5th grader, I see (we only have 2 sessions left after Thanksgiving break). I want to say it was one of my first real terminations since I really never got to do any 'proper' ones in practicum (my clients' attendance got kind of flaky and then the semester ended).

I guess I'm taking it rough. He stated he was sad he wouldn't be able to come see me anymore. I feel likewise, especially because he really has made some progress since we began a couple months ago. We talked about it for a little bit, then played our usual game of checkers (this has been one of my more popular therapeutic items). His behavior during the game was different that his usual (like not really jumping my pieces and making me jump his) and much quieter. When we finished it was time for him to go back to class. To me, it seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of there. He gave me high scores on his session rating scale though (available here) [that rates my listening, what we talked about, our activities, and overall]. I also encouraged him to ask me any questions he may have, if not then, but later at our next session.

I guess I just feel kind of guilty that I made him feel bad. I also doubt myself because I don't think I handled it well (because I feel guilty that I made him feel sad). Do most clients feel sad about termination? Do most counselors feel sad about terminating. Some of my other regulars are sad that I'm leaving, but I did not feel nearly as guilty about letting them know of my departure. This can be really confusing not only for the therapist but the client as well.

I hope my doubt is off, and I handled it okay (not bad but not amazing). I still feel kind of anxious about it. I will talk to my supervisor in the morning about it. Hopefully when I see him for our 2nd-to-last session after the break, perhaps the him and I can go into it a bit more and come to a peaceful stopping point.

::sigh::

how much faith??

“He who has faith has... an inward reservoir of courage, hope, confidence, calmness, and assuring trust that all will come out well - even though to the world it may appear to come out most badly.” - B.C. Forbes

I try hard to cling to this faith. Recent events had disturbed some of my inner faith holdings… one of my coworker’s grandsons was murdered by another child. You really sit and think about life and the world when you hear that an 8 year-old was killed by a 16 year-old. It shakes you to the core of your very being, and just makes your heart ache. How can a world be so cruel?

I was thinking yesterday about my decision to go into mental health counseling, especially my decision to work with other children. I questioned how much I really wanted to go into this field, and whether or not I could do it after hearing about this. After much and still continuous reflection, I had come to a decision regarding my future. I am going to keep the path I am on. I will have the training and chance to help others, and if I can even only help one person with their pain or suffering… it will be worth it. As a counselor, we have to work not to take our work home with us. We try our hardest to help our clients, but ultimately it is up to our clients to take that initiative to change… not us. Perhaps maybe the hardest thing to realize is that we cannot help everyone and not everyone wants our help. Ultimately, some things are beyond our control as counselors… and people. It’s one of the many ambiguities you have to face as a counselor.

I look back on the quote on the quote at the beginning of this entry, and I hope and pray I can remember it when the bad, ugly side of the world rears its head like this. I pray not only for the victim’s (my coworker’s)  family, but also for the suspect’s family as well. May they both take comfort in God’s love as they deal with their grief, loss, and pain. Two families are torn apart by this senseless tragedy. We will probably never understand the “what’s” and “why’s” of this situation… and perhaps, that is what hurts the most…

I just continue to pray for the soul of young boy and for those suffering with his sudden loss that they may eventually find peace.