put into focus

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence" - Ansel Adams

"If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera." - Lewis Hine 

I started a 365 project on my Flickr right after the new year. Simple explanation of a 365 is that a picture is taken a day. It can be any everyday object, people, anything... I picked self-portraits. I usually am dissatisfied with most pictures I take of myself because I feel they do not capture what I see in myself. But in starting this project, I have found that I have started to. I have been using it almost as a diary. I usually try to capture an aspect of what I am thinking, feeling, or doing that day. And I am starting to  find, that is does capture some aspect of me.

It's being a great project in keeping me creative... and sane. Today starts my 8th and last semester in graduate school! But with it comes great anxiety and stress. I have finally found an internship site (YAY!) that does take away some of my present stress, so my only source now is my upcoming exams in April that will determine whether or not I pass the program. So a few hours of everyday, I'm studying or reading, making notecards, or taking a practice test to help me prepare for this. It's hard to believe I've come this far sometimes.

I know I don't update as often, but I will try earnestly to at least keep the major news up to date on here.

you can check out my 365 project here :)

she's got a way...

"I'm 'a do things my way 
It's my way 
My way, or the highway..." - Limp Bizkit

I was listening to this song the other day, and it got me inspired for a blog post (especially inspired by some recent events).

It's not about being headstrong and not listening to others about how to do things, but on my life ethic as it kind of were. I am going to do my best not to compromise my values and what I stand for, so that others can simply get what they want out of me. I have certain standards I abide by in my relationships, and I would hope that they can be respected even if the other person doesn't agree with them. Also, if a no is given... listen to it! It's 99% likely that it is not going to change 5 seconds later.

Everybody has their own unique value systems, so yeah there are going to be differences among us. But if we cannot respect one another's beliefs, we are not respecting them. That is something that we have to do in counseling. Our leanings may not lean the same way as our clients, but we have to respect where they are.

tattoo ideas and reflections

"A tattoo is a true poetic creation, and is always more than meets the eye.  As a tattoo is grounded on living skin, so its essence emotes a poignancy unique to the mortal human condition."  - V. Vale and Andrea Juno

I am really leaning towards getting another tattoo after the new year, but I have not really decided what I want reflected in the ink.  With the right tattoo, there is meaning and poetry embedded in your skin... a picture made with needles and pain. I don't want to get one just to get one... Not to shock others, but for me to remember what it is there for.

Every time I glimpse my lotus, because sometimes truly I forget that it's there, I remember what hard times I have been through in my life... some of the lowest and darkest I know.  Then, I catch my present reflection and see how far I have come. That through the dark and murky waters I have turned out beautiful and whole. It serves as a reminder, a lesson, that I will persevere through no matter how rough the times.

I'm on my feet...

"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine." - Jimmy Eat World

Oh life...

Life is wonderful at the moment. I'm at the beginning of enjoying a 5 week break from school and internship. I feel like I deserve it a little after working all my other holiday breaks away.

My 7th graduate semester is over... WOOT! That leaves only 1 more to go. It's hard to believe I have come this far sometimes. It's kinda crazy sometimes...

My internship at St John officially came to an end on Friday. I was definitely sad to go and leave the kids I had been working with since August. But, I believe that somehow I taught them something positive in their life that wasn't there before... and that one day, they will use it to better their life. My semester there has definitely been a learning experience. There were of course positive and negative things, but I look at it this way... I have discovered even more about what I am capable of and what I still need to learn and practice. I'm super excited about going there tomorrow night to see the kids in their Christmas production :)

Running is going well. Almost complete with week 8, which involved a 28 minute run. I didn't go today. Probably because it was like monsoon wind (and probably partially recovery from last nights fun adventures lol). But, I will get back out there tomorrow. I haven't come this far to quit now.

So for this 5 weeks off, I plan on enjoying every single minute of it, and I have so far... bring it on!

a giving of thanks

"Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths.  At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings." - J. Robert Moskin

so Thanksgiving is about over... so what did I give thanks for this year:

1. God - I am of course thankful to him for giving me the other things in my life to be thankful for. I do not pray as I often as I feel I need to sometimes, but I still feel the blessings he gives me in my life. I have kind of slacked off on this since I stopped adoration. I really want to back in touch with the part of me that I found doing that.

2. my family - This year has been a crazy year for us. My bro-in-law got deployed. My dad is working on the other side of the world. My nephew turned 2. I reconnected with a part of my family. My cousin's accident that profoundly affects us all, even now. I love my family, the members who are there for me and still claim me as blood. It is holidays like this that make me really love being with and appreciating them.

3. my friends - These people are awesome. I do not nearly give them the credit they deserve sometimes. I pray to be a better friend to them. Life may have had some changes in store for me this year, but mostly good. It has brought even more great people into this fold. Yes, some may have fallen from here, but I try not to despair. I love the ones I still have.

4. helping others/counseling - I feel this is my calling in life... what God calls me to do with the gifts he gave me. With graduation looming closer, I feel so excited (and yes anxious, but that is in the minority of feelings) to actually get to go out into the world and make a difference for a living. This field holds such a dynamic role not only for me, but for the clients and populations counselors serve. Here we have a chance to help others, to inspire them to make positive changes in their life... to show them that they are capable and strong and worthwhile. I am truly excited to be joining this field of professionals.

5. school/classmates - I really do enjoy what I am learning about. I have great professors; I attend a great program; I am surrounded by great classmates, friends, and future colleagues. It is through our classmates and professors that we really start to feel our worth and see the great family we are part of.

6. internship - Ahh, the first step of the real world. It is here we really get to have that wonderful taste of what it means to be a counselor. It has a different feeling from practicum because it is. This is real life. When you get combined with a great site and supervisor, your learning possibilities are endless.

7. running - I am thankful to even have the ability to run. I used to hate exercising, to get all sweaty... But now, I love it. It is such a release to feel the breeze brush past you as you are puffing away. So nice to feel the nice endorphins that your body releases from the exertion of your activity... to know, that you are can do it and are completely capable of it. Yes, it is rough and hard some days. But, we would get nowhere in life if we do not push ourselves to and past our limit to discover our potential :)

self-doubt and termination

So today, I had to prepare for termination with one of my regular kids, a 5th grader, I see (we only have 2 sessions left after Thanksgiving break). I want to say it was one of my first real terminations since I really never got to do any 'proper' ones in practicum (my clients' attendance got kind of flaky and then the semester ended).

I guess I'm taking it rough. He stated he was sad he wouldn't be able to come see me anymore. I feel likewise, especially because he really has made some progress since we began a couple months ago. We talked about it for a little bit, then played our usual game of checkers (this has been one of my more popular therapeutic items). His behavior during the game was different that his usual (like not really jumping my pieces and making me jump his) and much quieter. When we finished it was time for him to go back to class. To me, it seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of there. He gave me high scores on his session rating scale though (available here) [that rates my listening, what we talked about, our activities, and overall]. I also encouraged him to ask me any questions he may have, if not then, but later at our next session.

I guess I just feel kind of guilty that I made him feel bad. I also doubt myself because I don't think I handled it well (because I feel guilty that I made him feel sad). Do most clients feel sad about termination? Do most counselors feel sad about terminating. Some of my other regulars are sad that I'm leaving, but I did not feel nearly as guilty about letting them know of my departure. This can be really confusing not only for the therapist but the client as well.

I hope my doubt is off, and I handled it okay (not bad but not amazing). I still feel kind of anxious about it. I will talk to my supervisor in the morning about it. Hopefully when I see him for our 2nd-to-last session after the break, perhaps the him and I can go into it a bit more and come to a peaceful stopping point.

::sigh::

life trip...

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." - Daniel L. Reardon

Life has definitely been a trip recently...

So, I am currently searching for a new internship for the spring. I have a few connections for possible sites I am working on, so I am waiting to see if they work out or not. I know it always does... I am just such a planner at heart though (call it a slight case of OCD lol).

But for my current internship site at the moment, we are staying pretty hopping. Our Rainbows group started this week, so I at least have a little something to do everyday... which I like (and I get to build up hours).

The school semester is finally winding down. I just finished my last assignment in my school counseling class, so the only thing I left to do is internship video #2 (which I am filming tomorrow). It feels nice to be wrapping it up. It cannot end fast enough...

Today I did my last academic advisement session... whoo hoo! I will be scheduling my last classes on Monday for my last semester :D I'm taking internship class and couples & martial counseling.

My Couch-to-5K running program is going well. I just started week 4... which has me running for 5 minutes on some parts. It was a little difficult, but I definitely felt proud of myself for actually getting through it and succeeding.

worry + work?

"You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time." - Pat Schroeder

I guess the reason I picked this quote is that it seems highly applicable at this moment. You can't do the work you need to do and worry at the same time. You need to do one or the other...

I definitely got some worry on my mind. There is a possibility that I may not be at my current internship site next semester. I really like this site. I feel like I have just gotten my groove here and gotten to know everyone. But thinking I may have to do that all over again at another site (for my last graduate semester), fills me with some anxiety.

I know when God closes a door, he opens another. I'm not usually one to disagree with the big guy when it comes to life opportunities, but is it really time for this door to be shut? And if so, where will that next one open? Trying to keep up that faith that God will lead me where I'm meant to be...

I'm trying to keep my eyes on the right now... because including this week, I have 5 weeks left until the end of this semester. There is still plenty of time to make a difference, an impact on this school, and I can't do it effectively if I'm worrying. So, I need to put on my big girl panties and keep on truckin'... at least for now.




on the other hand:
My character guidance week with the eighth graders ended beautifully. They learned the differences between a job and career, different post-high school options, and how their interests could flow into a job. They also got to use different internet resources to research the different career choices they were interested in.

includes: contractor, pilot, nurses, veterinarians, investigators, chef, military, orthopedic surgeon, physical therapist, teacher, child psychologist, judge, dentist, surgeon, undercover cop, farmer

manic-depressive? how bout manic-happy!

my guidance bonanza week was a success! I did a total of 13 guidance lessons last week, 12 character and 1 career (1 of my characters had to be rescheduled to yesterday) + the individuals I saw one-on-one...

It was really nice to find that I felt pretty comfortable being in front of all the different kids (grades ranged from 1st to 8th), and got them pretty involved in it. I think (or like to anyways lol) that most of them enjoyed it and got a little something out of it.

This week is a less manic, but still pretty busy. I like being busy up here and having something to do. I am still doing career stuff with my eight graders, doing a red ribbon class with each of the 7th grade classes (looking at the truth behind alcohol and tobacco advertisements), and feelings lesson with my kindergarten and pre-k classes (using pumpkin faces). The kindergarten class today LOVED it :). Also, I have a few individual students that I am working with one-on-one. Plus, our 'Rainbows' group will be starting up soon (it's a group for children who've experienced grief or loss), so that should help fill my time... and it's an issue I really to explore more with this population since many kids experience this either through separation/divorce, deployment, moving, and death of loved ones.

My running shoes are in, and I LOVE THEM :) no shin splints or leg pains! So I have really been trying to step up my motivation to get out there and get active.


Life is good. Internship is supremely satisfying. School is well, school.

I think it's plain to say...

I'm pretty excited about life :)

insomnia

"Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking." - Clifton Fadiman

I have been having trouble sleeping the past few nights. Perhaps I am thinking too much... too much about getting school work done, doing well at my internship site, my father and his job overseas, life after graduate school, finding love, not living life enough...

lots of chaos and humdrum there, what to do?

guess I need to figure that out because I really like my sleep

life update

"I am only one, but I am one.  I cannot do everything, but I can do something.  And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do." - Edward Everett Hale

I realized I hadn't posted in a while, so I figured I'd come make a life update. Life consisting of family, friends, school, and internship... oh, my personal life too haha.

Family is good. Living at home has been a pretty positive experience so far. Really enjoy being around my family and having them there for moral support. My godson turned 2 last week :) He got to happily spend it with his Dad who was home for his Army R&R.

I haven't been spending as much time with friends as I find I usually do. I have been neglecting some friends, and have been trying to make it up since I have a bit more free time than I usually do. I have been sort of anti-social (or even slightly lazy) lately. I do really need to get out of the house more...

School is well... school. I am only taking one class with internship, so that is only 1 day of the week out of my life. I am really trying to motivate myself for this class, but I am finding a bit of difficulty in doing so at times. I'm claiming senioritis haha. But seriously, it is important class that I should be taking seriously.

I also am on my last week (of 6) of co-leading a group for the group processes class. It has been such a blessing and wonderful, enlightening experience leading some of my fellow classmates through this whole experience. I will be truly sad when we terminate this week because I believe we all (leaders and members) learned so much going through this.

I did get to go to the Louisiana Counseling Association (LCA) conference weekend before last. It was held in NOLA, and we did have quite a time. It was nice to connect on a deeper level with some of my classmates since sometimes we don't really get to since our school is such a commuter university. It was great to learn more about counseling topics, network with professionals (even got to meet the president of ACA!), and just generally have a great time with the people around me.

Internship is finally starting to pick up and get busy (which is a good thing). I like being busy when it comes to something I enjoy doing. I found out I love doing guidance lessons, especially with books. I am slowly working up the grades (did PreK and K so far), and it is definitely building my confidence as I go. Now to hopefully get our loss group started (and me trained for it so I can help) and build up a few individual students to start seeing. It was slow to start building up my hours, especially my direct ones which is far harder than indirect ones to get. I do have a small worry in the back of my head that I won't be able to get all my hours, but I am trying not to let my focus get to far ahead and have some faith that everything will work out how it's supposed to.
**FYI:
- Direct hours are face-to-face time doing individual or group counseling, guidance lessons, or consultations with faculty or parents. Indirect hours are when you do planning, get supervision (either in classroom or on-site), doing research, or professional development activities and the like.
- I am required by our accreditation body (CACREP) to get a total of 600 hours = 240 direct + 360 indirect over the course of 2 semesters (which comes out to about 120 direct/180 indirect a semester).

As far as my personal life, well this part should be relatively short lol. I'm just living life, albeit a little quietly. Just trying to get away from some of the hustle-and-bustle that can bring stress and drama into my life, I think. I am looking to start a running program, the Couch to 5-K program... not really to lose weight but to get more active and out of the house! I have much more free time since I'm not working at the office anymore, and I figure I should be doing something useful with it lol. Pray for motivation for me please!

that's about all for now, and I'll try to be more diligent about updating this :)

procrastination

I really want to do a blog... maybe tomorrow

lol

light and dark, life and death... both sides of prayer

While talking to a friend today, she had told me some sad news... a friend of her's who was sick in ICU had died. It made me sad for her and for the girl's family because I had just said a prayer for her the night before.

It made me think about prayers. We like to think that God answers our prayers by doing what we ask. When in actuality, we pray that the prayers we ask of him are his will, because that's what God does... his will. Sometimes his will are the same as our prayers, sometimes they are not.  When that happens, we tend to be sad and not understand why our prayers were not answered. We are not seeing God's bigger picture or his plan. I have faith everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out how it is supposed to. I do not try to understand God's will because I am not meant to.

Of course I am happy that God's will and my prayers for my cousin are generally the same. He is doing so wonderful. He is so awake and alert and moving around. Hopefully he will be talking and walking soon. And of course I am sad that God's will and my prayers for the girl who died were not the same. But I am trying to think of the fact that God took at her at that moment for a greater, yet unknown reason. I know I still struggle with my grief and confusion from losing several of my close family members because I still struggle to understand what I am not supposed to understand.

Even though his will and my prayers do not always mesh, it does not make me pray any less. In fact it makes me pray more. Prayer is like my own personal conversation with God, and it is never one-sided :)

grumble grumble

I really do hate migraines. They totally ruin a perfectly good God-given day :p


Adoration was wonderful last night... even when I was so tired I thought I was going to go to sleep praying in my seat. Church this afternoon was nice also, albeit I was still a little sleepy.

went to lunch (and dinner) at my parents' since my Dad was grilling... but of course a migraine totally ruined my appetite since they tend to make me nauseous. So I took a Maxalt and laid down for what ended up being a 2hr-ish nap. I didn't intend to stay so late over there, but my parents didn't mind. Then I woke up so I could come home and work on the 2 papers I have due this week.

but... I still have a tinge in my head so I think I'm just going to lay down. They totally screw up my plans... I know I will get my papers done before they are due, but I would have liked to some work done on them.

(night)

looking slightly better

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

today turned out much better than I thought it would... and in pretty good mood despite other things...

made homemade pulled pork for dinner (yum!), gonna try and finish my AA paper, and then 'Criminal Minds' and 'In Plain Sight'...

then off to camp at my parents' house so my Dad can look at my car... my brakes decided to make fun grinding noises on the way home from work today while sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic on I-12... guess I can't really complain though... it's the 1st time they have given me problems and she already has 100,000+ miles on her...

another procrastination method

so yeah, I'm procrastinating on my papers, again... I think I'm thinking too much on the future and what is coming up... but here is what I have left as far as school work this semester (which ends May 13th)

counseling children:
- 2 more journals (1 paragraph each)
- activity project + 5-6pg paper on population of choice
- final

cross-cultural counseling:
- movie project* + 4-6pg paper on reflection of cultural issues presented
- 3-5pg walk a mile interview paper*
- final

substance abuse:
- 3-5pg movie paper*
- 3-5pg AA paper*
- addiction counselor interview paper
- final (3-5pg paper on topic of choice)


WWHHEEWW!!

*due next week :p