put into focus

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence" - Ansel Adams

"If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera." - Lewis Hine 

I started a 365 project on my Flickr right after the new year. Simple explanation of a 365 is that a picture is taken a day. It can be any everyday object, people, anything... I picked self-portraits. I usually am dissatisfied with most pictures I take of myself because I feel they do not capture what I see in myself. But in starting this project, I have found that I have started to. I have been using it almost as a diary. I usually try to capture an aspect of what I am thinking, feeling, or doing that day. And I am starting to  find, that is does capture some aspect of me.

It's being a great project in keeping me creative... and sane. Today starts my 8th and last semester in graduate school! But with it comes great anxiety and stress. I have finally found an internship site (YAY!) that does take away some of my present stress, so my only source now is my upcoming exams in April that will determine whether or not I pass the program. So a few hours of everyday, I'm studying or reading, making notecards, or taking a practice test to help me prepare for this. It's hard to believe I've come this far sometimes.

I know I don't update as often, but I will try earnestly to at least keep the major news up to date on here.

you can check out my 365 project here :)

she's got a way...

"I'm 'a do things my way 
It's my way 
My way, or the highway..." - Limp Bizkit

I was listening to this song the other day, and it got me inspired for a blog post (especially inspired by some recent events).

It's not about being headstrong and not listening to others about how to do things, but on my life ethic as it kind of were. I am going to do my best not to compromise my values and what I stand for, so that others can simply get what they want out of me. I have certain standards I abide by in my relationships, and I would hope that they can be respected even if the other person doesn't agree with them. Also, if a no is given... listen to it! It's 99% likely that it is not going to change 5 seconds later.

Everybody has their own unique value systems, so yeah there are going to be differences among us. But if we cannot respect one another's beliefs, we are not respecting them. That is something that we have to do in counseling. Our leanings may not lean the same way as our clients, but we have to respect where they are.

tattoo ideas and reflections

"A tattoo is a true poetic creation, and is always more than meets the eye.  As a tattoo is grounded on living skin, so its essence emotes a poignancy unique to the mortal human condition."  - V. Vale and Andrea Juno

I am really leaning towards getting another tattoo after the new year, but I have not really decided what I want reflected in the ink.  With the right tattoo, there is meaning and poetry embedded in your skin... a picture made with needles and pain. I don't want to get one just to get one... Not to shock others, but for me to remember what it is there for.

Every time I glimpse my lotus, because sometimes truly I forget that it's there, I remember what hard times I have been through in my life... some of the lowest and darkest I know.  Then, I catch my present reflection and see how far I have come. That through the dark and murky waters I have turned out beautiful and whole. It serves as a reminder, a lesson, that I will persevere through no matter how rough the times.

I'm on my feet...

"I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go.
Now all I need is just to hear a song I know.
I wanna always feel like part of this was mine." - Jimmy Eat World

Oh life...

Life is wonderful at the moment. I'm at the beginning of enjoying a 5 week break from school and internship. I feel like I deserve it a little after working all my other holiday breaks away.

My 7th graduate semester is over... WOOT! That leaves only 1 more to go. It's hard to believe I have come this far sometimes. It's kinda crazy sometimes...

My internship at St John officially came to an end on Friday. I was definitely sad to go and leave the kids I had been working with since August. But, I believe that somehow I taught them something positive in their life that wasn't there before... and that one day, they will use it to better their life. My semester there has definitely been a learning experience. There were of course positive and negative things, but I look at it this way... I have discovered even more about what I am capable of and what I still need to learn and practice. I'm super excited about going there tomorrow night to see the kids in their Christmas production :)

Running is going well. Almost complete with week 8, which involved a 28 minute run. I didn't go today. Probably because it was like monsoon wind (and probably partially recovery from last nights fun adventures lol). But, I will get back out there tomorrow. I haven't come this far to quit now.

So for this 5 weeks off, I plan on enjoying every single minute of it, and I have so far... bring it on!

a giving of thanks

"Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths.  At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings." - J. Robert Moskin

so Thanksgiving is about over... so what did I give thanks for this year:

1. God - I am of course thankful to him for giving me the other things in my life to be thankful for. I do not pray as I often as I feel I need to sometimes, but I still feel the blessings he gives me in my life. I have kind of slacked off on this since I stopped adoration. I really want to back in touch with the part of me that I found doing that.

2. my family - This year has been a crazy year for us. My bro-in-law got deployed. My dad is working on the other side of the world. My nephew turned 2. I reconnected with a part of my family. My cousin's accident that profoundly affects us all, even now. I love my family, the members who are there for me and still claim me as blood. It is holidays like this that make me really love being with and appreciating them.

3. my friends - These people are awesome. I do not nearly give them the credit they deserve sometimes. I pray to be a better friend to them. Life may have had some changes in store for me this year, but mostly good. It has brought even more great people into this fold. Yes, some may have fallen from here, but I try not to despair. I love the ones I still have.

4. helping others/counseling - I feel this is my calling in life... what God calls me to do with the gifts he gave me. With graduation looming closer, I feel so excited (and yes anxious, but that is in the minority of feelings) to actually get to go out into the world and make a difference for a living. This field holds such a dynamic role not only for me, but for the clients and populations counselors serve. Here we have a chance to help others, to inspire them to make positive changes in their life... to show them that they are capable and strong and worthwhile. I am truly excited to be joining this field of professionals.

5. school/classmates - I really do enjoy what I am learning about. I have great professors; I attend a great program; I am surrounded by great classmates, friends, and future colleagues. It is through our classmates and professors that we really start to feel our worth and see the great family we are part of.

6. internship - Ahh, the first step of the real world. It is here we really get to have that wonderful taste of what it means to be a counselor. It has a different feeling from practicum because it is. This is real life. When you get combined with a great site and supervisor, your learning possibilities are endless.

7. running - I am thankful to even have the ability to run. I used to hate exercising, to get all sweaty... But now, I love it. It is such a release to feel the breeze brush past you as you are puffing away. So nice to feel the nice endorphins that your body releases from the exertion of your activity... to know, that you are can do it and are completely capable of it. Yes, it is rough and hard some days. But, we would get nowhere in life if we do not push ourselves to and past our limit to discover our potential :)

self-doubt and termination

So today, I had to prepare for termination with one of my regular kids, a 5th grader, I see (we only have 2 sessions left after Thanksgiving break). I want to say it was one of my first real terminations since I really never got to do any 'proper' ones in practicum (my clients' attendance got kind of flaky and then the semester ended).

I guess I'm taking it rough. He stated he was sad he wouldn't be able to come see me anymore. I feel likewise, especially because he really has made some progress since we began a couple months ago. We talked about it for a little bit, then played our usual game of checkers (this has been one of my more popular therapeutic items). His behavior during the game was different that his usual (like not really jumping my pieces and making me jump his) and much quieter. When we finished it was time for him to go back to class. To me, it seemed like he couldn't wait to get out of there. He gave me high scores on his session rating scale though (available here) [that rates my listening, what we talked about, our activities, and overall]. I also encouraged him to ask me any questions he may have, if not then, but later at our next session.

I guess I just feel kind of guilty that I made him feel bad. I also doubt myself because I don't think I handled it well (because I feel guilty that I made him feel sad). Do most clients feel sad about termination? Do most counselors feel sad about terminating. Some of my other regulars are sad that I'm leaving, but I did not feel nearly as guilty about letting them know of my departure. This can be really confusing not only for the therapist but the client as well.

I hope my doubt is off, and I handled it okay (not bad but not amazing). I still feel kind of anxious about it. I will talk to my supervisor in the morning about it. Hopefully when I see him for our 2nd-to-last session after the break, perhaps the him and I can go into it a bit more and come to a peaceful stopping point.

::sigh::

life trip...

"In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip." - Daniel L. Reardon

Life has definitely been a trip recently...

So, I am currently searching for a new internship for the spring. I have a few connections for possible sites I am working on, so I am waiting to see if they work out or not. I know it always does... I am just such a planner at heart though (call it a slight case of OCD lol).

But for my current internship site at the moment, we are staying pretty hopping. Our Rainbows group started this week, so I at least have a little something to do everyday... which I like (and I get to build up hours).

The school semester is finally winding down. I just finished my last assignment in my school counseling class, so the only thing I left to do is internship video #2 (which I am filming tomorrow). It feels nice to be wrapping it up. It cannot end fast enough...

Today I did my last academic advisement session... whoo hoo! I will be scheduling my last classes on Monday for my last semester :D I'm taking internship class and couples & martial counseling.

My Couch-to-5K running program is going well. I just started week 4... which has me running for 5 minutes on some parts. It was a little difficult, but I definitely felt proud of myself for actually getting through it and succeeding.